Though I know that they are fluffy and meaningless, The Academy Awards are still an exciting night for me. I love how extraneous and glossy they are, and also love rooting for people and movies I am a huge fan of. Even if it’s a narrow Hollywood view of film, as many people complain, I still think it’s a good show most of the time. Below is a random collection of thoughts as I experienced the Oscars this year…Just because.
5:09: I get home from getting Oscar supplies, some Publix baked goods, cheese and crackers, chicken bites and a lot of champagne. I debate between watching an old Parks and Rec episode on the DVR or the E countdown to the red carpet. I turn on E to try to get in the spirit of things… and immediately begin to feel my brain melt out of my ears. There’s a gay stylist, and some tall woman in a greek goddess-y sort of gown, both of whom I instantly dislike, blathering meaninglessly at the camera. There’s also a british girl with purple hair in a black dress I immediately want except for an irritating arm strap that keeps getting knocked out of place as the british girl jumps all over the place effusively. She’s not so bad, the gay stylist constantly adjusts her arm strap and snorts out of his nose. At first they try to “guess the celebrity” by studying tiny pieces of a snapshot of them from past years. It’s a pointless game but gives the show a bit of structure as after it is done, it soon devolves into just random squealing over shots of various actresses photoshopped into different designer dresses they might just be wearing tonight.
5:22 Happily I realize that ABC started their coverage at 5;00 and so I begin strategically switching between ABC and E. I also open a bottle of champagne just as Joan Rivers starts shrieking in a homicidal manner on E for some reason I can’t discern.
5:33 On ABC: Sally Field is officially an insane person, Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper are charming. I would almost hope for Cooper to win if not for the force of nature that is Daniel Day Lewis.
6:08: On E: Seth MacFarlane’s father looks like Colonel Sanders. I always feel like Ryan Seacrest is in danger of melting at any moment.
6:12: On ABC… I had no Idea Seth MacFarlane was so charming. I’m becoming excited for his hosting.
625: I discover CNN is doing a red carpet show with Piers Morgan! Piers seems at once vaguely irritated and also incredibly excited by the whole production. I don’t like Jessica Chastain’s dress… at least not the color, but Chastain herself seems wonderful, Piers Morgan looks as if he’s about to start making out with her.
6:29 Apparently a Florida service called “New Teeth Now” can help you get new teeth, even if you’ve been told previously this dream could not be obtained. It shows an old man eagerly feasting on a chicken wing. I wonder where these new teeth come from….
6:51 Piers Morgan gets Kerry Washington to talk about politics and bounces on his toes with excitement like a kid. Piers is fantastic he looks so happy and excited and as though he’s about to bound onto the red carpet himself with joy. Such a nice change from Ryan Seacrest’s Mannequin act. I can’t talk about the dresses, I’m just not qualified. All I can do is wrinkle my nose at some and make awed noises at others. Also I note Jennifer Lawrence is a full head taller than everyone else, and wearing what looks like a bridal gown. She’s stunning though.
7:02: Piers Morgan, yelling at Dustin Hoffman: “Dustin! Dustin! What in the hell is happening, he’s grabbing everyone!” Moments later Dustin Hoffman praises Piers on his position on gun control. I love him. I love them both. Sally Field looks like a nun in a red habit. oof.
7:22 On ABC…Kristin Chenoweth has my favorite dress and is amazing… Naomi Watts has my least favorite dress and looks horrid. Liev Schreiber next to her looks as though me might snap at any moment and attack suddenly and without warning.
7:32 Piers is over, it’s only ABC now and I love Joseph Gordon Levitt. When he says he loves the real movies, and that’s what he loves not all this, he makes a broad gesture around the red carpet… I know exactly what he means.
8:12 Love Sandra Bullock’s dress. George Clooney looks like a homeless person. I want to hang out and get a drink with Adele.
8:17 Kelly Rowland creeps everyone out, Jamie Foxx and his daughter are adorable, his daughter has a fantastic dress that is is the perfect “going to the Oscars with your dad dress”
8:26 The show is about to begin! Queen Latifah looks stunning in white. We say goodbye to ABC On The Red Carpet
8:31 First impressions, Stage looks awesome Seth MacFarlane is cute and disarming but also clearly terrified. He’s hit and miss.
8:35 Did anyone predict WIlliam Shatner suddenly taking front stage center at the Oscars? It’s at once hilarious and upsetting…? I am totally unsure about how I feel about this but I think it’s really funny when MacFarlane starts saying “boobs” so much. Oh god… I’m turning into a 20 something male. Apparently Jennifer Lawrence feels similarly.
8:42 Why do I think Seth MacFarlane with sock puppets and William Shatner is so hilarious? OK all I can say about Joseph Gordon Levitt and Daniel Radcliffe dancing soft shoe with Seth MacFarlane is EEEEEH! Best Opener in years! I am reduced to a squealing mess.
8:50: Best Supporting Actor, Octavia Spencer’s dress is gorgeous and flattering. I want one in emerald. I’m pulling for either Christoph Waltz or Tommy Lee Jones. Guessing it will be Deniro or Jones. AND Holy shit it’s Waltz! I did not see that coming, I figured since he’d won for Basterds he wouldn’t bring it home, but he deserves it and his speech is so smart and humble.
8:59 Best animated feature… Melissa McCarthy looks like she’s wearing a table cloth, which is upsetting to me. Brave wins. I’m not shocked and the guy is in a kilt which is cute. I haven’t seen much of the other nominees but I do really like Brave so I’m pleased.
9:07 Cinematography goes to Life of Pi… is this a sign of things to come? I kind of hope not though I haven’t seen it. Also the cinematographer looks like a man eating albino rat with really long hair. That’s probably mean but he kind of scares me. And Life of Pi takes it for visual effects too. What does this mean? Maybe they’re giving it something now and nothing later, or maybe it’s setting a trend… we’ll just have to see.
9:19 Someone named Peter Swords King is nominated for best makeup for the Hobbit. I want him to win just for his name but Les Mis wins instead, which I’m fine with. I just can’t get invested in these costume make up things. Oh my goodness though the ladies who win for it look like crazy women. Pink leggings? What?
9:37 I’m touched by the best documentary short winners, who introduce a sobbing young lady as an artist who was homeless just a year ago. She’s an artist, the winner says, and you all are artists, and we need to appreciate our artists. Tears are coming to my eyes.
9:51 Amour wins best foreign language film. Does this mean it won’t win best picture? Probably but that’s no shock. Michael Hanekhe seems a little lost. My roommate explains to me what the movie “No” is about and I find myself intrigued. I’d like to see it. As I’m solemnly pondering the chilieans plight of voting NO in fear of their lives, John Travolta saunters up and introduces a huge musical number with Catherine Zeta Jones opening. The music number is really fun, I’m surprised how emotional it makes me. Jennifer Hudson looks beautiful.
10:14 I’m glad that Les Mis wins for sound mixing, Ted is not winning me over and I’m wondering what the people there are seeing as at home we’re treated to a giant CGI teddy bear. Are they seeing the same thing on screens themselves? Or is Seth MacFarlane standing there doing the Ted voice? I kind of hope for the latter though I suspect the former. I don’t understand what Mark Wahlberg means when he says there is a tie. I’m confused. Apparently they can give two Oscars out without compunction because Skyfall gets one after Zero Dark Thirty. I have no idea what’s going on except that guys should not have long gross hair when accepting academy awards
10:20 I guess I’m dumb but I didn’t realize that Chrisopher Plummer was Von Trapp in the Sound of Music. I am pulling for Anne Hathaway for best supporting actress but this night is so weird, I don’t know anything anymore. BUT maybe I do because Hathaway wins! Wahoooooo I’m happy. She clearly deserves it and I’ve liked her for a long time. She rattles off names like a crazy person clearly hoping not to forget anyone. She also very sweetly gives an uncondescending shout out to any females in dire straits and selling their bodies hoping that it will be a fate soon “only found in stories” This is a feat to say non ironically, considering where she is standing and what she is wearing but she pulls it off miraculously
10:30 Maybe it’s the champagne but I’m finding myself genuinely charmed by this entire production. The college kids onstage who won an award for their movies is such a nice touch, and MacFarlane poking fun at it an even better one, lightening things up.
10:35 Jennifer Lawrence looks charmingly frightened introducing Adele. The song is great and I wholeheartedly hope it wins. I think it’s easier to look confident when you have such a beautiful voice. I wouldn’t know what that’s like.
10:48 Daniel Radcliffe is so cool. If only K Stew would move her face more it would be easier to like her. Yay! Lincoln’s first and hopefully not only win.
10:57 And Clooney has the Dead People of the Night honors, the In Memoriam bit always makes me tear up, even if I barely know who the people are. Everyone always looks so glamorous and remarkable. It makes me want to move out to LA and camp out on Movie sets.
11:12 Renee Zellweger is looking particularly skinny and squinty. Life of Pi wins another award. I don’t know why I’m so averse to this movie. Something about it just irritates me and rubs me the wrong way. Nora Jones comes out to sing the Ted song, rather awkwardly, before being spirited away again. I’m really hoping for Adele for this category. AND She wins! Which is exciting. Adele practically bursts into tears as she approaches the mike, which I find immediately endearing. She was weirdly one of the people I really wanted to win, along with Waltz and Hathaway. I’m pleasantly surprised but suspicious that there are disappointments ahead.
11:21 Am I a weirdo because I want a Dodge Dart II? … Don’t answer that.
11:24 Adapted Screenplay: Rooting for Silver Linings or Lincoln, but Argo gets it. Not terribly upset but a little resigned to it as a sign of things to come. The guy accepting it seems completely frantic and sweaty but hey, he’s a writer, I would look similar I think.
11:26 When I was 8 I thought I could marry Dustin Hoffman. Best Original Screenplay now. Hoping for Tarantino but doubting he’d win. BUT he does! His first after Pulp Fiction. For the second time tonight I am astonished. Tarantino is such a weirdo. He looks like he should be wearing a Bolo tie. He’s a great writer though and I’m stunned and happy. More stunned as he praises the writers this year and waves the oscar around like a brick about to bludgeon the skinny models trying to lead him away. Apparently they don’t dare play the Jaws music for him, and more ads roll in as he wanders off.
11:34 Best Director goes to Ang Lee for Life of Pi. Everyone seems very excited and Sense and Sensibility is one of my favorite movies ever, so I’m trying not to be disappointed.
11:40 I know I shouldn’t be mean to K Stew since enough people criticize her all the time but she looks like an extra in the Walking Dead.
11:41 Leading Actress I haven’t even seen Zero Dark Thirty and I wouldn’t mind if Jessica Chastain won but I’m rooting overall for Jennifer Lawrence. Jennifer Lawrence wins! Hooray! And she falls going up the stairs which just makes me like her more, and gets her a standing ovation. But she’s all grace as she gets to the microphone. Bradley Cooper’s grin is great.
11:45 Meryl Streep waltzes in. Her dress is pretty amazing– she looks like a glittery battle ship… which she sort of is. Daniel Day Lewis better get best actor, that’s all I can say about that. Though Cooper surprised me and if it wasn’t for Lewis I would be rooting for him, Denzel Washington looks as though he knows he won’t win it, and Daniel Day Lewis clinches it without Streep bothering to open the envelope. The omnipotent female Oscar voice announces that Lewis is the only actor ever to win best actor three times. He gets a standing ovation and is hilarious and disarming. He gives credit to Kushner, Spielberg, Lincoln and dedicates it to his mother, you can’t help but love the guy.
11:52 HOLY SHIT Michelle Obama is presenting Best Picture. Her dress is gorgeous. What is going on? I love this. I love her bangs. Jack Nicholson is having fun. More and More I’m rooting for Lincoln or Django. BUT it’s Argo, which I thought it would be. I’m not upset though. I t’s a good movie and Ben Affleck is a good director. He also is adorable and very sweet in his speech. As with this whole show, it’s impossible not to like him.
12:02 Kristen Chenoweth and Seth MacFarlane are a blast to watch. The best Oscars in years in my opinion.
Out Loud Writing 